Today is an interesting day. I found something about myself. Now before I start pouring out my experience today, I would like to take a step back for a minute and look at my blog. I just have one post prior to this, and I read through it, something I wrote 6 years ago. When I started reading it, I thought I would find what I wrote immature. After reading it, I knew many would find it as a complete non sense. But I was able to associate myself with it. It makes sense to me, am glad about that because I was able to remember how I felt that day. Over the years, a lot has changed. A thing about me that remained same was my curiosity about people. I was trying to learn them. Who they are, what they like/dislike, why they do what they do, what drives them, their feelings, their thought process, etc. My first blog apparently should be a by-product of all this thinking I was doing.
Anyways, coming back to the present.. so today, I was about to meet a friend after a long time. We met, went through a typical reunion process, inquiries on what's new, what's changed, what they are upto, some exchange of pleasantries, etc. Then the conversation slightly drifted towards life, what one wants in it, to follow passion or reason, when to listen to your heart and when to listen to your brain, and so on when I realized I've been talking quite a lot. I was glad to find a group of other friends playing volleyball and join them and take a break.
We had good 2 games (we won, yay!) and now it's time to go back home. On the ride back, our previous conversation came to my memory, and I realized how this friend is completely different from me. We have a different cultural background, different upbringing, different friend circle, different interests, perspective, everything was different. The only thing common was our excitement and interest to play volleyball. That's actually how we came to know each other. I can't help but think what drives her to be who she is, so I asked her. But she was not quite clear on what I meant, so I was trying to explain that I have this thing about knowing why people behave the way they do and I was trying to explain why I was doing it - but I couldn't. I din't know why I have that interest. Anyways, that line of conversation ended up with a possible suggestion of me getting into psychology. I was dropped home, farewells exchanged. All well. Except I was now curious to know
- why I have such an interest?
All of us have ups and downs in our lives. Our own boons and bane. My boon was my mom, and in those days, I considered my dad as my bane. My mom taught me most things I know, good from bad, right from wrong, she laid down the foundations of my character. As for my dad, I am not sure if he is a bad person, but he is definitely not the one you would look up to as a role model. I look back now, and I don't remember a single happy moment that I shared with him. All I see is misery and pain. I'd have probably been a messed up angry kid if not for my mom. My dad let my mom's siblings stay with us so that they can get a proper education in the city. He would loan money and help them out. He also had to take care of his widowed sister and her children. All good deeds, except that every single time he would point that out in their face and treat them with disrespect reminding them they would be nothing if not for him. When he's around, our house was never a home, freedom of speech non existent, no values for people's feelings or opinions. It's not like he is the only bread winner, my mom worked and pretty much took care of all my needs and schooling fees. So when that's happening every single day - you eventually start thinking why would someone behave like that, what makes them to be who they are, can it be fixed, can it be changed, can it be reasoned out.... that's how it started, and that's my answer to the above question.
To my dad, having a means for education, growing up without any responsibilities except to educate yourselves, having a proper commute to school is all a luxury. When he was young, he had to walk miles to attend a decent school, had to take care of his sisters and mom when his dad died young, had to work during the day, attend college in the evenings, study through the night and repeat it week after week to push himself ahead in his career. In his perspective, we are blessed to have what we have and should be thankful for it. True. But the issue was, it din't give him the right to disrespect people when they haven't gone through the struggles he went through or demand overwhelming recognition from them. That's where he failed. So I am not sure if he is a bad person, but he was never a role model. I would push myself to make sure he would not say I misused the luxury I was blessed with. And come to think of it, it all worked out for the better.
Zooming out, as I said earlier, all of us have ups and downs, miseries and happiness, but they are all relative. Perspective varies and definition of necessities and luxuries differ. It's hard to argue right and wrong, but it is possible to understand what is meaningful and sensible and go by one's conviction.
